How do you work out Who Goes Where and When?

A Blended Family has several build in conflicts just waiting to happen. Who takes out the trash, where do we go for Christmas, Thanksgiving or other vacations. Whoever wins the Christman vacation battle can be expected to give up Thanksgiving or another time that is valued. Would that be keeping score?

1Cr 13:5

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

OK so here we go again with the appropriate bible verse to help change my heart. I must work this out from God's perspective. What does He want me to do or say? Where does He want us to go? How are we going to make this decision? What is my wife thinking? Oh, and the kids, where do they want to go? Is that where God want us to go? How will they react if I make them go where they don't want to go? Great start to our vacations.

What does the name DAD mean?

To my son and daughter I had to remember that DAD brought up some bad memories. We had to talk and define what the title meant to my kids. I had to tell them what it meant to me. Then we had to define what it would mean if they called me DAD. All this is what makes a Blended Family so special. They had the opportunity to decide if I was going to be their DAD. It's incredible that God has given each of us the opportunity to call Him DAD. In each case the decision is wheather you want to have a personal relationship. Or not.

A Time for Everything

Ecclesiastes 3:11-12 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.

Living in this world is part of my eternity. I want to make the best of my time here as we all do. Can I really be doing my best if I am not "doing" something besides my daily life? Is it when I get out of my box, my comfort zone, or my routine when God sees that I am trying to do something by faith, when I require His power, is that when God and I are really having communion? When is the last time I did something that required God to make it happen? Is it time?

Take one off and put one On

⁶does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

⁷bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I like it when the bible tells you what not to do, and then lets you know what to do. I call this the “take one off and put one on” way to grow in the Lord. ⁶does not rejoice in unrighteousness this sounds like a no brainer. But now I have to define what would be considered unrighteousness. When we have words, Christian only words that we can hide behind we don’t need to change. That’s why I like to see what I’m supposed to put on, but rejoices with the truth, now I see what I’m going to put on. That brings up the question; AM I REJOICING IN TRUTH OR REJOICING IN UNRIGHTEOUSNESS, LIES, HALF-TRUTHS, IMBELISHING?

What about the consequences? Sometimes telling the truth is difficult to live with. Then I read: ⁷bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. So now I have to do the right thing and trust that God will take care of all things. I will have to bear all the consequences, believe that God will take care of me, have hope in the vision that God has given me and endure all the struggles that come as God seeks to change me through my wife and kids.

A blended family is such a great opportunity to apply these verses. On several occasions I was putting up (bears) with conflicts that came from memories that were triggered from current situations. I had to suck it up, take a ten count and know (believe) that this too will pass. That as the triggers were defined and worked through eventually we will create new memories that will minimize the effects of the triggers. I had to try to see my wife as the beautiful woman that God created and my kids as the Godly man and woman that God desires. To know that one day Gods vision of what will be (hope) will one day be restored. So each day I will be the one that endures all things, all things, OK that is a bit too much to endure. I will try to get to most things first. Then I looked at the next verse where ⁸Love never fails. All and Never, the bible keeps getting harder verse by verse by truth by truth.

What is love? What is not love?

⁴Love is patient; love is kind and is not jealous;

Patient, do I want to be patient? Why is being patient important? I went to an online dictionary to find more details about being patient. Here is what I found.

pa-tient -adjective dictionary.com

Bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortutude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.(emphasis added):

All this bad stuff is coming at me and then – with – all this good stuff is how I’m suppose to react. If this was a business arrangement it would stink. But love is not a business contract it is a life commitment. So far this sounds too dry, so let’s get back to the emotional side of love.

As I think of the fantasy that love and intimacy can, and should, be at the beginning of a great relationship, I think back to when I first kissed my wife – WOW!! I was on cloud 9, whatever that means. Have you ever thought about these expressions that we say over and over but we never know where they originated? Anyway, where was I, Oh yea – WOW!!

Then I remembered when I became a Christian. WOW! I now had confidence in my eternal salvation. I know that God’s love for me and my love for my wife are different kinds of love. But this whole new side of love opened up to me when I became a Christian. And a whole new love opened up in my heart when I fell in love with my wife. The question became, am I to be an example of God’s love to my new wife and kids? Is God going to use me to redefine their definition of how love works? Am I going to be able to love my wife as I want God to love me? How is this all going to look in real life, “where the rubber meets the road”.

But then I started thinking how patient God has been with me. I reread the definition of the word patient. OK, I know I haven’t been annoying…well maybe a little. But only when I’m sick, hungry, tired, and maybe, well now that I think about it??? And God was right there being calm, without complaint or anger. OK, then I needed to take a deeper look at my relationship with my wife. Am I as patient with my wife as God has been patient with me?

NO!! I’ll never be able match His level of patience, but I’m willing to try.

Then I went on:

love is kind All right!! Now you’re talking. I know I’m kind, at least I can think of a couple of times that I have been kind,

and is not jealous; Two in a row I’m not jealous, well maybe that one time, but anyway what else;

love does not brag and is not arrogant, back to back success I don’t brag, if I do say so myself. And I’m not arrogant like most people, I’m just better than most people at not being arrogant.

⁵ does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, This is where I hit the brakes and came to a sketching halt.

Wrong suffered.

I need to stop and think of how many wrongs my wife has suffered. I’ll get back to you later.

Hi I'm back. I had to think, how many times did my wife get yelled at by her ex-husband. How often does she think of the bad times in her life. What do I do that might trigger these images.

When I’m right, I’m right – and YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!

²If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

³And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

These verses can really set up some insightful Blended Families learning situations. If my wife and I are having a conflict, and I am right! I know I’m right and she is wrong! And I want to let her know that she is wrong – but do not have love, I am nothing.

Have not love: Paul is using the Greek word agape. Agape is the fourth word for love. It is a love that loves without changing. It is a self-giving love that gives without demanding or expecting re-payment. It is love so great that it can be given to the unlovable or unappealing. It is love that loves even when it is rejected. Agape love gives and loves because it wants to; it does not demand or expect repayment from the love given. It gives because it loves, it does not love in order to receive…. But it can be defined as a sacrificial, giving, absorbing, love. The word has little to do with emotion; it has much to do with self-denial for the sake of another. (Bolded emphasis added)

Guzik, David. "Study Guide for 1 Corinthians 13." Enduring Word. Blue Letter Bible. 7 Jul 2006. 2010. 14 Jan 2010.

Who in their right mind would want to make this kind of love “self-denial for the sake of another” a part of any relationship? As I reflect on these words my thoughts go to Jesus and the cross. If it didn’t hit you like it hit me, this is where I began to understand better that I must sacrifice the “I” in my life for the “we” – No, the “He”, as in He is in my life and is going to change the deepest parts of my heart through the love He has put in my heart for my wife. I am now going to learn more about Jesus, His love and His sacrifice as I walk deeper into the “Love Chapter” of His Living Word.

The Excellence of Love – In a Blended Family Life

1 Corinthians 13

¹If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

When I finished reading this verse, the phrase “I have become a noisy gong” hit me over and over. I started to ask myself a few questions. Who would want to be a Noisy Gong? This is not what I would want to be in my personal life, my work life or my family life. Then two questions hit me at about the same time “how do you become a Noisy Gong”? And “Am I a Noisy Gong in any area of my life right now”?

So now I had to see what would make me a Noisy Gong. I started to read the verse again. And again I’m hit with a phrase, “If I speak… but do not have love”. To me God’s word had me evaluate myself. When I speak to my wife, how do I show God’s love to her? When I am at work do others hear language that is “God-like”. Do I speak better to my friends than I do to my family members? So I came to the conclusion that it’s not very hard to be a Noisy Gong. But having love, showing love, knowing love – knowing God is the place to start to learn how to live a life that is Love.

Those with no experience need not apply

As I watch James skateboard, trying different jumps and tricks, I see him build up confidence. He looks at me for a word or look of encouragement. He drops in and I see the fear in his eyes go to commitment in his actions. Life can be very similar. We can live on the edge and see the action. If we watch and learn but never drop in we will not grow in our understanding of what God has for those that apply Gods Word. The ones that Do Something for God are the ones that count on Him. We can drop in and hold on for the ride of our lives or we can continue to learn about how to apply Gods Word and never apply.

Focus on the Family - Not the problems with your X

The more I learn about being a Blended Family the more important it is to define and focus in the new family and minimize the effects of the ex-spouse. The new family structure may be awkward at first. Let’s face it each member will need time to define their new place in the family. It may be easier if the family were to create a mission statement. A mission statement by definition is:
a summary describing the aims, values, and overall plan of an organization or individual. Dictionary.com's 21st Century Lexicon
This definition sounds rather cold and non-emotional. But when you let the family know what your plans are, they can rally behind and support one another. It also helps with some of the hard choices that come up when dealing with an ex-spouse.

Many ex-spouses still bring up bitterness in the family. The new spouse can see this emotional attachment. The depth of the emotion is usually how deep that person Is in our heart.

When I was dating my wife a friend of ours asked me why I believe God would want me to have a wife. I responded by sharing that “God would have access to a deeper part in my heart through my wife. She would be the only person that could affect me at this deep level. That God would see the opportunity, through her, to change my heart at a very intimate level”.

Sometimes it seems that when someone continues to have such depth of emotion with an ex-spouse, that space in the intimate part of their heart is still filled with emotion for this person and that space could be filled with the love of the new spouse and family.

Blended Families include others that support us

Here is an entry that was inspired by a friend of mine:
It’s interesting that you should bring up your dream today. Let me explain a little about our little group of friends. Today our family went to La Jolla (pics on my facebook) with another family that we have known for years. They consider my son, James, part of their family (the son they never had). We are going to be getting together with them for bible study and fellowship once a week. Another couple is going to join us. They were the best man and maid of honor at our wedding, and were there when James was born. In fact we had seven people in the room when my wife delivered, that’s about as intimate as you can get. We have helped each other through our struggles, laughed and cried with each other over the years. Back to getting together once a week, we plan to go out into our community as a group to reach out in some way. We are planning to give money on a monthly basis, above what we give our church, to help support another ministry or help fund a micro-business through Kiva (http://www.kiva.org). We want to go into the world and make a difference. If this sounds like the group you are looking for, let me know. We don’t have an application, but we can start with a hug and see how it grows from there.