The more I learn about being a Blended Family the more important it is to define and focus in the new family and minimize the effects of the ex-spouse. The new family structure may be awkward at first. Let’s face it each member will need time to define their new place in the family. It may be easier if the family were to create a mission statement. A mission statement by definition is:
a summary describing the aims, values, and overall plan of an organization or individual. Dictionary.com's 21st Century Lexicon
This definition sounds rather cold and non-emotional. But when you let the family know what your plans are, they can rally behind and support one another. It also helps with some of the hard choices that come up when dealing with an ex-spouse.
Many ex-spouses still bring up bitterness in the family. The new spouse can see this emotional attachment. The depth of the emotion is usually how deep that person Is in our heart.
When I was dating my wife a friend of ours asked me why I believe God would want me to have a wife. I responded by sharing that “God would have access to a deeper part in my heart through my wife. She would be the only person that could affect me at this deep level. That God would see the opportunity, through her, to change my heart at a very intimate level”.
Sometimes it seems that when someone continues to have such depth of emotion with an ex-spouse, that space in the intimate part of their heart is still filled with emotion for this person and that space could be filled with the love of the new spouse and family.
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Interesting blog-It's also tough to not get defensive when an ex-spouse is upset (i.e.- about a visitation or other child issue.) It's important to focus on the issue, and not the former spouse.
ReplyDeleteAs long as their are children involved, you will continue to have a relationship with the ex-spouse, as a coparent to the children.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended and Step Family Coach
http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com