What have you learned by being in a StepFamily

What is your story?

Call me DAD, call me Step-DAD, or call .......

Keeping Children out of Conflict

The issue of whether to call a step-parent "mom" or "dad" is difficult for some families. Let the child determine how this goes. Never push a child to call a step parent by these names.

This facebook entry brings up how my son and I handled this situation.  We talked about it!

The first thing I wanted to do was to find out what DAD meant to my son and to tell him what it meant to me.  We had to redefine what DAD meant.  This allowed us to understand each other better. It gave him the control and confidence as we both knew what he meant when he called me DAD.

OK, let's get lost

Then He said to them all, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it."

— Luke 9:23–24

If I lose my life does that mean that if I agree to this that I will be lost.  I thought that "once I was lost, now I am found" solved this problem.  Now He wants me to follow Him. And the way that God "sells" this to me is that I must take up my cross.  Not a great selling point.  Taking up a cross brings up images of a crucifixion. So how do I start down this path.......I deny myself.  I say no. No to what I want, the job, lifestyle, the........ you fill in the blank.

The best part of this is next.  If I lose my life for His sake I will save it.  That sounds like I will have to go through  a few intersetions, up a few hills, down a valley to two, STOP some things, go forward when I don't know where I will end up.  I may even hit a few dead ends, make some U-turns, get hit from my blindside and have to get a new job, career, church, ministry or "C" all of the above.

To save my life. Why would someone NOT want to get to the end and save their life, their kids life, their wife's life.  It seems to me that if we "want the best we need to get rid of the rest".  So what do I need to do today to follow Him?  What is my cross that I will need to carry today?  Is my desire to save my life, to find the best for me and my life, stronger than my desire to hold on, to be in control, of MY life.  Is this MY LIFE?  

Is that the problem?     IT'S MINE

When I have it all.

1Cor13:2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I have....All....If I have....But have not love.

Who is this I person?

If I have insight to the future. If I have insight to see what others do not see. If I know, because I have studied and I know that I know more than you. If I have lived by faith and my faith is greater than yours. If I can see that you are of little faith, you do not know the bible as well as I do, and you can't see what is going to happen to you if you do not change your life. If all these things are true, is it okay for me to feel above you? Is it okay for me to tell you that you do not know what you are talking about? Is it okay for me to twist, no --- to pick out verses that support my position and make that the focus so that I can say or do something that I believe God has given me the okay for me to do.

Is it okay ---- or is it expected of me to show love in spite of my privileges. If I ------

2 Corinthians 6:12 If there is a problem between us, it is not because of a lack of love on our part, but because you have withheld your love from us.

If us, you and I, if we, If we as family, as children of God, as friends, care and show love to each other, and others. If WE show love, will that be when the world will seek to come and want to be with us? Like us? Want to be loved by us? When am I the I? When are we the us? Am I the problem?   I

Pink Elephant - Blue Elephant

How do you change your thoughts from bad habits and thoughts to Godly actions and His word.  Let me share what has worked for me over many years.  Here is an exercise:

First I want you to think of a Pink Elephant.  Stop reading and make sure you have this image then come back and read some more.

Now I want you to try to stop thinking about this image.  If you have a problem doing so that's OK.  Stop reading until you have done this or five seconds have passed.

Most people will not me able to stop thinking about the Pink Elephant.  So here is my suggestion.  Start to think of a Blue Elephant with Big Yellow dots.  Stop reading until you have that image.

Great now where is the Pink Elephant??  Most people will now have the new Blue Elephant in their thoughts and the Pink is long gone.  If you were able to stop thinking about the Pink Elephant you probably thought of something else.  This is a principle that the bible tells us to follow.   When the bible tells us to stop doing something, "put off",  it will tell us what to "put on".

The hardest part of this process is coming up with the Blue Elephant BEFORE you are in a situation where you are facing the Pink Elephants in your life.  Come up with some great images that are Godly, fun, or just a great distraction. If your in a conflict, compliment the persons shoes and ask them where they bought them. Now you have a Blue Elephant you can focus on and the person that you are having a conflict with is now thinking about where they purchased these shoes that they like and that you have complimented.

How Big Is Your God???

Our problems in this world are only as big as our view of how Big our God is compaired to our problems.

If you have a big God, then you have a relatively small problem. But if you have a big problem, then it might be that you have a small God
Philippians 4:6-7

What has God put on your Heart? Did you ask for it?

"Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."

   John 16:24
Last night we had our small group.  We talked about wisdom and if we pray for wisdom often.  Today I read that I do not have because I do not ask.  What else does God "have for me" that I am not asking for???  I see that God wants my "joy to be full".  So do I!!! And all I have to do is ask for the things that God wants to give me anyway.  Where is the catch?

"My name"...........What do I ask in His name? Now I need to think from His perspective. He knows my gifts and talents, He gave them to me.  He sees what is happening in my life, God has a "birds eye view".  If I look at me from His point of view, what would I give me to accomplish, no to bring Him glory, that would fill me with joy.  Time to think about me from His perspective.  More later.

What Baggage do you carry around?

In Blended StepFamilies each person is going to have a history. A history without the StepParent. This history is going to be filled with memories.  Some good, some great and some memories are - Baggage.

Baggage: things that encumber one's freedom, progress, development, or adaptability; impediments: intellectual baggage that keeps one from thinking clearly; neurotic conflicts that arise from struggling with too much emotional baggage.

Do we all carry baggage?  Can we ever be without something that we need to work on from our past?  Do we need to hold on to something in our past so that we can move forward and "see our progress".

Some people hold onto the baggage as a safety blanket.  A better example might be someone that is holding onto a rock in the middle of a fast flowing river. They are surrounded by turmoil but don't want to let go for fear of what may be downstream. 

The best thing to do may be to take a look at our memories and come up with a Good, Great and Baggage memory box.  Then we may be able to work on our Baggage.  Here is a video that may help you take a look at Baggage.  Can we let God carry it out of our lives?

What will it take?

Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains.  Mark13:8

(Earthquakes in the last 7 days)

What will it take for us to get up and "Do Something" to reach the world for God. 
 
Most of us have heard similar statements.  Most of us agree that someone needs to do some reaching out to the world.  We have also been told...... told - Why do I have to be told. And who is telling me. 

As I hear about the "final days" I know that there will be earthquakes and famines.  "Wars and Rumors of Wars" .  But what will if take for me to reach MY WORLD.  My family, friends, kids friends, wife's friends, my friends(do I have any non-Christian friends?), co-workers, etc........
 
What WOULD I DO if I knew that the Lord was coming next month.  Would it change my attitude.  Maybe not.  Let's be honest with each other.  Be honest to yourself. Would you change?
 
Were you honest to yourself about the last question?  It is so much easier to NOT change, then to change my life.  But what would it take for me to ___________________ for God?  Fill in the blank.  It may be as simple as listen to my kids more and tell them I love them more often.  It may be to invite the neighbor over for a BBQ on Saturday then to church on Sunday.
 
Does God have to shake up your world for you to listen.  Does God have to shake MY world for me to listen.  OH YEA!  He's already done that.  Earthquakes are no big deal anymore. "Oh, did you feel that one? It was another earthquake, Where are we going for lunch?"
 
What would it take?  I don't know.  I don't have time to think about that right now so I'll have to get back to you at another time.  Time......................???

Is it time to STOP?????

When was the last time we STOPPED? Just stopped doing, thinking, working, playing, etc....... Can you remember? Do you know how to STOP and listen to what God wants to ask us, tell us, share a moment with us? What are we making more important then God? Maybe we need to stop the things that we make more important. What if God is ready to ask "What do you want me to do for you?" Would we hear Him?

13:11- When is it time to play?

1Cr 13:11

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

It's amazing how often I expect my 11 year old to reason like an adult.  He is a child.  I need to be the adult.  I don't have an excuse.  I must not do, say or live as a child.

13:12 Sometimes what you don't see is what you get

1Cr 13:12

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

I may think that I know it all, but the bible says that I only know in part.  And since I only know in part I can not see as clearly as I think I do.  So the next time I KNOW THAT I KNOW I must live knowing that God sees what He is trying to accomplish so much better than I can see.  So sometimes I must give a little to see what God is up to.

13:13 What is the Greatest Thing or Person in your life?

1Cr 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

We are created by God with emotions.  In a blended StepFamily emotions can run very high, very quickly, very positivily, or very negitivily.  How are the emotions running in your family?

Emotion: the term commonly and loosely used to denote individual, subjective feelings which dictate moods. In psychology, emotion is considered a response to stimuli that involves characteristic physiological changes—such as increase in pulse rate, rise in body temperature, greater or less activity of certain glands, change in rate of breathing—and tends in itself to motivate the individual toward further activity.

Emotions motivate us to actions.

Faith: confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability. belief that is not based on proof: belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion.

Faith gives us direction.

Hope:.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope. a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery. a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her best hope.


Hope puts our faith into action with the expectation for success.

Love a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
 
Love brings all of the above together for us to live, share, and build up our relationships with friends, family and God.

13:9-10 What you don't know can bring you Mercy.

1Cr 13:9

For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

A prophecy is a statement in which someone says they strongly believe that a particular thing will happen.

At this time it seems that we know and prophesy only some of the truth.  That can be dangerous.  That can be a blessing. Why would God choose to have us trust, have faith, in someone or something as part of His plan. Here we have this world that is messy. After all this is an imperfect world.  This must mean that we need to be shown mercy when we mess up, fail, cause an accident, get a failing grade in school. Maybe we need to show mercy when others do the same thing.

1Cr 13:10

but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

Perfection is hard to live up to. We can't  expect anyone to live up to perfection. When perfection was on this earth Perfection was crucified..

So what are we going to do when someone fails us?  Disappoints us? Upsets us?   We need to think ahead and be ready to focus on how we can learn to apply Gods word in our times of trials. Learn to love the people we live with. Treat them better than the people at work.  Learn to live with them because the people I live with have to live with me.  And the people you live with, your family, have to live with you. 

We need to learn to be the type of person that we would be OK living with.  Would you want to live with you?

What do you put your faith in?

"For by grace you have been saved through faith" (Ephesians 2:8).

We all put faith in somthing, or someone, everyday.  Faith is belief plus your actions.  When you go through a traffic intersection at 40 MPH because you have a green light, you have faith that everyone that is going other direction will stop.  We sometimes put more faith in a traffic life to save our life then the creator of the universe.

13:8 Love Never,.. ever..., forever......?

1Cr 13:8

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Never is a long time - it's outside of time.  It is eternal.  There will be no need for prophecies, we will know time begining to the end of time and beyond.  No need to speak in tougues, we will understand the Holy Spirit at the spirit level.  Knowledge will pass away.........OK what does that mean?

1acquaintance with facts, truths, or principles, as from study or investigation; general erudition: knowledge of many things.


2.familiarity or conversance, as with a particular subject or branch of learning: A knowledge of accounting was necessary for the job.
 
We will know not have an acqaintance.

We Are Not Alone

As stepfamilies grow in quantity we are becomming the majority in the church body.   Are we going to stand up and say that stepfamilies make up a large portion of any church and ask the church to work to meet our needs?

instepministries.com

Remarriage Issues

According to the Stepfamily Association of America, remarriages account for nearly half of the 2.3 million marriages each year in the United States, and nearly 65 percent of those include children. Remarriage is an incredible event. The union of people who have experienced the tragedy of death or the disappointment of divorce is truly inspirational. Combining two family systems is an adventure with many challenges. The reality, however, is that the average remarrying couple is spiritually, vocationally, emotionally, relationally and socially unprepared for marriage.
Why are most remarrying couples unprepared?
The short answer is unrealistic expectations and unresolved issues. Many couples want to re-create the nuclear family—because they believe that is what they “should” be doing. However, stepfamilies and nuclear families have very little in common. New families do not really “blend” and there is no such thing as “instant” love or family. Some couples have so many wounds from childhood or previous relationships that they sabotage their new marriage. Emotional and spiritual wounds are invisible scars that become a filter for future relationships. Woundedness makes bonding to a new group of people very difficult. The first two years after a remarriage are extremely turbulent as the new couple (and a host of children and other relatives) sort out new rules and roles. Children are seldom ready for remarriage. Most are still trying to sort out the traumatic events of the past. In short, remarriage is challenging and most couples are not only unaware of these challenges, but they have no tools to cope with them.

God rejoices in the truth. When was the last time I rejoiced?

1Cr 13:6

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Love, I recalled that "God is Love". Of course He does not delight in evil. He is all about the truth, and I can see why He would rejoice with the truth. So now how does this apply to me?

What hit me first was truth.  We all know that the truth can make life interesting. "Sweetheart do I look fat in this outfit"? I will leave that discussion to you and behind closed doors, good luck.

What really applies is living out a life that is Christ centered, truth centered, love centered and an example to the family and friends that are always watching and listening. Think about it, what do you think about a person that you know tells a lie to one of their friends, their co-workers or their boss?  Do you trust them more or do you wonder when they have lied to you?  What about the time they gossiped about a mutual acquaintance? Were they delighting in evil?  Were you delighting in evil so that it wouldn't be a little uncomfortable if you spoke out to defend the truth?  Are you the one that said the joke that was offensive?

1Cr 13:7

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres.  These are all easy to do, when it is convenient.  The hard part is ALWAYS.  Tell me that we are not going to fall short at least once in our life.  Once a year, month, day or on some things, once an hour. How am I suppose to apply these two verses to my everyday life?

BY GRACE.  I will give it the old college try, plan to succeed, do my best, and strive for excellence.  But I find my comfort, peace, and the love of God when grace touches my life.  By grace we are saved, especially when we just finished a bible study, met a friend at church, or see someone that we know and we start to talk about them behind their back.  The next time you have a choice what will Truth + Love ALWAYS = ?

When I Sin, We all Sin

When We Sin

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

— 1 John 1:8–9

— 1 John 1:8–9 The question is not if I sin but when I sin. What I do when I sin is what shows my faith, character, and relationship with God. When I fall short with my family I need to be ready to come before God, my family and myself. I need to make sure that I do not decieve myself or try to hide sin. I need to seek truth and confess it. I need to have faith in God, my family and friends that I will be forgiven. That the unrighteousness in my life and heart will be wiped clean.

Marriage Bible Verse of the Week - Emotion Led? | MarriageVictory

Marriage Bible Verse of the Week - Emotion Led? MarriageVictory: "Letting our emotions lead us is a sure way to get out of the will of God.
We’re so used to doing or saying what we feel that we allow our emotions to control us without a second thought.
In the process of following where our “feelings” lead us, we begin veering away from God’s will. This then leads to many other negative consequences, including hurting those around us like our spouses, kids, friends, and coworkers.
Many times it gets us into trouble with people we don’t even know. Road rage would be a prime example of that.
Decisions should not be made on the basis of the negative emotions we are feeling.
That is especially true when it comes to dealing with another person. Damaged relationships can be hard to mend when one has been hurt by something another has said or done hastily in a moment of uncontrolled emotion.
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.
Romans 14:19 (NIV)
So begin preparing now for how you’ll handle the next time you feel your emotions leading you to say or do something, that you will probably regret later. Instead ready yourself to take that road towards peace. Your relationships will be blessed by the effort."